Knock Knock - Phil's Five Words for Films

Knock Knock It is very rare for a film to make me so angry. Disappointed often but rarely angry. It is not enough that this film robbed me of two hours that I won't get back but to find that some people actually rate it as a serious film astounds me. The acting throughout, from everyone involved, including the dog, was appalling - plenty of energy but still appalling. The script, plot and sexual motives all shared a common score of Zero and the idea that I'm supposed to think 'he got what he deserved' is offensive. Directed by Eli Roth ( Hostel / Cabin Fever ) and starring his real life wife, Lorenza Izzo along with Keanu and Ana de Armas, it really feels like a re-make project that got out of hand and spiralled away from them all. The ending left me pleading for it all to have been a bad dream, a psychotic meltdown or even a metaphor for something lame - a cop-out plot twist that would have, at least, been worthy of my time and effort.  An utter waste of time, energy and talent. I cannot find any reason to recommend 'Knock Knock' to anyone - unless you are studying film and need an example of how to not do just about everything. It was such a shame to come to this film via Keanu's much better action thriller 'John Wick'. Watch that instead.
2 out of 10.
Cert 18 (UK). 2015.
139mins

The Bling Ring - Phil's Five Words for Film

The Bling Ring A bunch of vacuous, spoilt, rich, celebrity-obsessed losers get robbed by a bunch of their equals. End of story. There is very little to recommend with this film, written and directed by Sophia Coppola and based on real events. The plot is paper-thin and the characters are so superficial that it is difficult to sympathise with either the stupid perpetrators or their stupid victims. Who leaves a key to a million dollar mansion under a doormat? People like Paris Hilton. People who don't miss the 'bling' property that they probably didn't know they owned. These people stole millions before anyone noticed. It is a sad reflection on people in society who know the price of everything

Paul Blart: Mall Cop - Phil's Five Words for Films -

Paul Blart: Mall Cop Imagine the humourless love child of Mr.Bean, Home Alone and Die Hard. You would be left with 'Mall Cop'. There is nothing good to say but here goes. A hapless security guard who rides around on a segway ( 95% of the comedy ) tries to outwit an equally hapless band of 'terrorist' who try to take over his mall. Enough said. If you want to see a fat bloke rolling round on the floor ( 4%) and falling over drunk ( 1% ), then this is the film for you. Otherwise, I would steer well clear of this stinker and save yourself an hour or two. Wrong subject matter to be aimed at kids and too stupid to be aimed at adults, it is difficult to think of anyone who would see this as a good evenings entertainment. If it was more of a spoof then it might have had some credibility but you get the feeling that this was a genuine attempt at a comedy. Truly awful. The fact that this film took enough in America to warrant a possible sequel speaks volumes. Again, truly awful.

2 out of 10. ( the segway looked fun )
Cert PG (uk). 2009.